The L Word

for over a week i'm now watching "the l-word" season 1 like all the time. it's amazing how it touches me. really like nothing else i've ever seen before. it is so intelligent and artsy without ever being unreal. in fact i perceive it as extremely real. real not in the sense that it has anything to do with my life, but in that i wish my life had more of its quality. of course to think that it could is also quite scary. i feel like the more i go there the less connection will i have with the people around me. and i already do not really have the greatest of connections. the fact that now i have more relationships and more friends - in my opinion - results from the fact that i learned to behave in a less threatening way. i learned to tune it down without really freaking our. of course now after watching this i am kind of freaking out. i miss intelectual equals, i'm not saying that my friends aren't intelligent, but they are not so much interested in thinking and talking about it or they seem to think that they don't have the time. "you think too much" still seems to be a recurring theme in my life, although the people involved have changed. i just think that thinking per se is not what is dangerous, it is what you do with it.
during the time that i was sick i just simply took everything too personally and i did not want to understand that some things sometimes can't be changed. still i value every inside that i had during this time of my life. in fact now i'm very happy about it because it taught me things that some people will never learn. i am a richer personality i have seen so many things and been offered so many opportunities to live my life that now it is far easier for me to understand who i am and what it is that i want. even in times like these when everything seems to be changing i know exactly what to do and how to deal with it. and i am very proud of the security that i gained through these years because i know that i stuck with it and that i walked myself through it - and that i can do it again.
i don't think people around me understand what it means to recover from that kind of illness, especially when it has be going for such a long time. i mean really why should they - i did'nt know until now. it's even hard to describe - i mean the joy alone when you realize that you can do things again that you have not been able to do for years. and then sometimes it's scary because the illness was also a kind of protection that is gone now. once again you have to look at every aspect of your life and have to question everything, which really is a scary thing to do.